So, When Is Your Birthday?

I love social media. From YouTube to Instagram to Facebook. I can literally spend hours watching videos about the new thing that happened in D.C. to learning how to cook crawfish pie or laughing at animal voiceovers. I am entertained daily by social media but there are also times where I find a little nugget of wisdom from something that I’ve read or watched.

A few months ago we were all watching and laughing at the two sisters at the birthday party when one of them planned an attack that had grave consequences. So, we were all digitally invited to baby sis birthday party but for whatever reason, big sis wasn’t too thrilled by the attention, the cake or maybe the singing that was going on and before baby sis could make her wish and take a deep breath to seal the deal, big sis blew baby sis candles out. Oh honey, baby sis tore off in that ass about her damn candles and big sis didn’t seem to care. After being snatched up, she politely finger combed her 2a tresses to the back and gave us a shoulder shrug. She pretty much said “Who gone check me boo?” I think I watched the video at least 20 times. Hell, I might watch it again after I post this blog. Nonetheless, the level of IDGAF was to be envied, but the hurt on baby sis face was more than evident. Even though the video has brought me countless hours of joy, a little bit of conviction grabbed me as well. During my last viewing, I gasped for air, clutched my pearls and asked myself “when is the last time you blew out somebody’s candles?

Let’s review a few scenarios of blowing out somebody’s candles:

1. Your friend calls you and says, girl I got a promotion at work today. Instead of immediately congratulating her, you say “but I thought you hated that place?” Your friend knows how much she hates her place of employment but as her friend, you should try to display some happiness for her, even if you know her happiness is temporary.

2. Your friend’s boyfriend, the one you don’t like, surprised your homegirl with a weekend trip to Chicago. She was so happy about it but before you asked her about her weekend or if she caught any sales, the first thing out of your mouth is “oh he only did that because you were mad at him.” Like damn, I know he did it because I was mad but why are we talking about that instead of the new bag I picked up?

3. One of your cousins buys a new house or a new car or starts a new business and here you come with why they shouldn’t have done it or why it will never work. Or reminding them of the time that they did it before and was unsuccessful.

4. And what about unknowingly participating in somebody’s candles being blown out. You know, you’re having an innocent conversation with someone then boom, they start telling you about the person who’s experiencing some happiness but Negative Nancy somehow finds a reason why they shouldn’t be? Now you’re stuck between making the decision to stop the conversation or keep listening to see how far this killjoy is going to go because now you know that, you can get it too and as soon as you show too much joy, they’re going to find a reason to bust your bubble.

These are all examples of someone blowing out somebody else’s candles and not letting them enjoy their good news or their good time.

Let me tell you about a time that I blew out somebody’s candles. One of my girlfriends committed to losing some weight. I made the same promise but only 1 of us kept the promise and it wasn’t me. I mean, she started losing weight like it was easy and I just couldn’t find a congratulations to give her because I was so annoyed with her success. Not only was I silently blowing out her candles, I was being a straight up hater. The crazy thing is, my feelings had absolutely nothing to do with her and her progress. My feelings were completely about me and my lack of discipline and my overall inability to stick to my word.

I don’t have MD behind my name but in this age of COVID and seeing a therapist myself, I’ve learned that a lot of the decisions that we make that intentionally hurt others is because we are actually hurting as well. These feelings are never about the other person; its always about the person who’s feeling unhappy, unsatisfied and probably miserable about where they are and where they want to be. And we all do it! We all have moments of being green about somebody else’s happiness. Maybe this person is getting too much attention, maybe this person is accomplishing some things that you haven’t been able to or maybe you just don’t like them. Whatever it is, we have all had that gut feeling about someone and the desire to ruin their moment, their day or their good time in an effort to make ourselves feel better. A lot of us haven’t learned how to process our pain and disappointment so we take it out on other people. How dare you be happy when Im hurting? How dare you have some joy when I don’t remember what joy feels like? This reminds me of another meme that I saw which said, “the reason why you cant heal is because you never admitted that you were hurt.” So now you’re walking around shitting on everybody because you can’t process your feelings.

The bottom line is, WAIT YOUR TURN! Your blessings and everything that you have asked for is coming but you have to believe that its going to come when you need it and when its supposed to; not when you want it. Learn to stand in the overflow of the blessings of the people that you love and happily clap for them and smile knowing that if it happened for them, it can happen for you. Hurting them during your waiting season will only make your season longer.

Remember, big sis probably lost some edges that day. Don’t be big sis.